The Gym Fallacy

People constantly observe and rant about all the annoying people they encounter at the gym, like the King Kong angry men and or the uncalled-for advice dude who must give you workout tips. 

Being the absent minded person that I am, it doesn’t affect me. But I’ve recently encounter myself with a new gym interaction that caught me so completely off guard, I am compelled to inform you about it so you don’t end up in the same circumstance I am currently in.

It has never been my intention to meet guys at the gym. All that glistening sweat combined with the smell of Gatorade and saturated testosterone isn’t really what I go for. Hey, if it taps into your fantasy of macho cavemen who throw you over their shoulder, I’m not going to judge.

I go to the gym to… work out. I don’t scan through the crowd or worry if my shirt is a shade darker than it was when I came in because it is now soaked in sweat. 

That being said, this doesn’t mean a friendly conversation from a guy is unwelcomed.  I wouldn’t mind if a nice guy came up to me and asked me if I like puppies or compliment me on my awesome guns (I have been working them out for a reason right?) 

Since I can’t rely on the daily equipment –makeup, heels- I use to attract the opposite sex at the gym, I opted for looking super committed with my work out session. I figured if I look like I know what I’m doing, continue pushing myself and eventually become athletic in the process, guys will totally be into that. Nothing is sexier than confidence and strength.

You’ve seen the guys at the gym. Buff, sweaty, grunt machines. Overall, muscle beasts. Well, some of them. Surely they can appreciate a female who knows her stuff and isn’t a weakling when compared to their beefiness.

Me:

Look at me! I’m running 5.5 miles per hour like you!

Look at me! I’m lifting 20 lbs for my arm weight routine!

Look at me! I’m sweaty and splotchy like you!

Okay. So I don’t always do all of that. Big deal. But whenever I’m giving it my all, in my mind, I look like this.

KaBlam! What I'll look like. Eventually

In all humble honesty, I really did think it works like this. Men find you intriguing because you’re independent and capable. That was until exhibit A came into the gym. I don’t know her name so I’ll call her Miss I-suck-on-a-lollypop-and-flat-iron-my-hair-to-come-to-the-gym. 

Ok, let’s call her Miss Lollipop.

She holds the lollipop in her bra.

We all know this girl. Miss Lollipop doesn’t wear a shirt, only a bright color sports bra. She also never wears a ponytail because she doesn’t sweat. Ever. 

Miss Lollipop also has spectacular cleavage that is barely contained by her sports bra and/or very tight pants that leave very little to the imagination, including her tiny underwear.

Miss Lollipop always walks very slowly even when she’s on the treadmill. Five miles per hour? Girl please! Two miles per hour. For about ten minutes. 

Miss Lollipop doesn’t dig weights. But she does love squats…

"I hope my breasts aren't in the way."

And this one…

Am I interrupting you by bending over?

She really cares about her thighs and triceps.

I’m not completely absentminded. I am well aware that Miss Lollipop has been part of the gym stereotypes since gyms were created. But the consequences of her mere presence have only just dawned on me.

 Miss Lollipop has enters the gym with her slow, purposeful stride like a determined lioness, not only setting back the gender six decades, but making my once endearing efforts look overtly masculine, therefore…unattractive.

Miss Lollipop is a bitch.

And yet, when she starts doing this…

My breasts are SO strong.

Men become even more testosterone driven and indulge in their cavemen behavior. Me. Man. Strong and big. You. Woman. Small and helpless. I take charge. You follow. 

"This is my pervy smile. Do you like it?"

He doesn’t want to talk to the girl who is doing pretty damn well with her workout. He wants to go to the girl who needs help with the 3 pound dumbbell and demonstrate how to a proper bicep curl. And… chemistry happens.

And me…

"Ugh. Whatever. I'd face palm but I'm thirsty."

So lesson of the day… watch out for this girl. She is easy to spot and she is everywhere. Where you see a man grunting more than he should when he is lifting weights, our girlfriend is nearby. Or maybe he is showing off for the guy who’s spotting him. You just never know.

That is one dedicated spotter.

Anyways, you’ve been warned. You’re welcome.