The Sound of Silence




            It was Saturday and I was planning on staying in bed until my body felt energized and ready to do nothing for the rest of the day. No one could scold me for doing exactly what Saturdays were made for. Jews would be very proud of me. Not sure Jesus would feel the same way. He might want to have words with me later but I’m sure he wouldn’t be too angry.

            My plans for executing a successful weekend day were well on their way. That is, until at eight o’ clock in the morning when the power went out in the entire neighborhood. It’s not something I can easily ignore. Even as a heavy sleeper, the abrupt silence caused by the lack of the AC’s gentle whirring will alarm my brain with the message something’s different.

 Then, when I was awake enough to realize this, there was no turning back. I desperately tried to go back to dreaming about Japanese people speaking Spanish and teaching me the awesome ways of the Samurai. Just go back to sleep, I told my brain with a soothing tone. But overly observant as he is, he just went on to point out everything that bothers him.

            “But the AC’s off now. Aren’t you warm? Wouldn’t you rather sleep with a cool constant breeze? I can hear everything! Don’t you get it? Don’t you hear that bird chirping happily outside your window? How can I ignore that? See! There’s your dog, barking away because the grass moved and he’s sure it’s an invisible ninja walking through your yard. Okay… you can’t tell me any of this isn’t bothering you, can you?”

            “Just shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up.”

            “But don’t you hear it? What am I supposed to do?!”

            “Sleep, Brain. You’re supposed to sleep. Please… stop thinking.”

            “Why were you dreaming of Spanish talking Japanese people anyway?”

            “If you don’t know, how should I know?”

            “You’re strange… that’s all I have to say.”

            “Shhhh…”

            This battle of random questions and arguments went on until Brain decided the noises aren’t going anywhere and half Hispanic, half Oriental people seem much more entertaining. I felt my body relaxing, the sweet threshold between reality and dreaming, so close and tangible. And then…

            A persistent knock on the door.

            “What do you want?!”

            It was my little brother telling me he needs me to take him to some school event but only bothered remembering twenty minutes ago. Of course, no one else is in the house so I am the only one with a legal driver’s license that can fulfill this task. Curse being an adult!

            Halfway through driving my little brother to his destination, I decided I can either be cranky all day because things weren’t going my way or I could seize the day and take advantage of the fact that I was up early. That seemed like the reasonable and adult oriented alternative. I spent the morning driving around town doing all the errands I was going to leave for Monday, a sense of pride bubbling around my midriff, reminding me that I could easily be a multi tasked person if I so desired. It felt nice.

            When my brother had finished, I felt really hungry and I was sure my big brother at home felt the same way. Normally I’d cook something for myself and they’d apply the only cooking technique they’re aware of… microwaving. But then Brain decided to be helpful, or unhelpful, however you want to look at it.

            Brain: Hah! There’s no electricity at your house!

            Me: But maybe the power came back. It doesn’t take too long for it to come back.

            Brain: So… you want to take the chance of coming home without any take-out and see if the power’s back on so you can cook? See?  You’re strange.

            Me: Touché, Brain.

            So I thought what the hell? Let’s get a pizza. Let’s get two pizzas! Little Brother was stoked and I’m sure Big Brother’s eyes would’ve beamed with excitement as well. As Brain predicted, the power hadn’t come back when we arrived. Everything was dead silent apart from chirping birds and faint sounds produced by the neighbors. It was even quieter while the boys munched on thick slices of cheesy gooey pizza. I was tempted but decided not to.

Remember how I have relationship problems with my weight scales and can’t bear to face their anger? I didn’t want to add any more tension to the situation between us so I decided to make myself a turkey sandwich with whole wheat bread. I wanted to continue the pride-bubbling sensation throughout the whole day. As they gobbled pizza, I was so proud at myself for being so strong and not even having a nibble. You have no power over me pizza! So stop trying to look all delicious and soaking in pepperoni fat there!

To perpetuate my new belief of seizing the day, I thought “It’s a beautiful day outside! Sun is shining and the weather is nice… why don’t I have my sandwich with a tall glass of lemonade outside in the hammock?”

See, there’s this perfect isolated spot in my backyard where a mango tree is located. It’s probably my favorite spot in the house and I often imagine myself there sitting in a rustic chair with a glass of wine, reading a great book. So I had the brilliant idea of getting hammock – or begging Mom to get one- to make the mango tree my own personal space to relax whenever I so desired. I’ve barely used it because I spent most of the day locked up inside or sleeping. Now it was the perfect time.

It was probably the best idea I’d ever had. In the beautiful surroundings and perfect shade created by the mango tree, the sandwich seemed to taste even better. The combination of dense bread, succulent turkey and fresh tomato was practically to die for. Why hadn’t I done this before? Why wasn’t I doing this every day? It was almost the perfect life- no distractions that would numb me from enjoying the little things of life, peaceful silence that allowed me to hear my true thoughts and not what TV or Internet had programmed me into thinking.

It seemed Brain and I were finally in harmony, becoming one in our points of view. It was then that I began pondering what I wanted out of life. Not the grand steps of a career or marriage, but the little great joys that I wanted to accomplish every day. I could play piano more, practice every day an hour or two. I would feel so accomplished when I could play Fur Elise flawlessly or Back in the USSR (don’t be fooled, it’s fast paced and complicated.)

I could be inspired by nature and my new Zen state and write every day, become disciplined and organized. With such positive attitude, I would undoubtedly become the next best blogger and everyone would be pleading me for a new entry every day. And I would deliver, because I would be organized and disciplined.

But I knew what I wanted most of all. I wanted to learn how to play the guitar! For some reason, I had made up my mind from a very young age that guitar was the most difficult, most mind boggling instrument that had ever existed. What was the deal with having six strings that played a random selection of keys that followed no particular logical pattern and when pressed in different frets it would emit the sounds of other random positioned keys? It was like the Sphinx had invented it as another method of a riddle that humans would clearly fail at and therefore, give him an excuse to kill them. My aggravation would be worsened by seeing people playing it with such ease and the fact that Big Brother learned how to play like a rock star without ever taking so much as a lesson.

It was beyond embarrassing that everyone seemed to possess the skill to learn how play guitar (not to mention play and sing) and I couldn’t even remember where G-sharp was. Maybe it’s because I have been conditioned my entire life from playing piano that the keys should be fully displayed in front of you in a gradual order from low to high sounds. Now what, I need to find them somehow while pressing my tender fingertips into the tough, callus producing strings, and keep a rhythm and look cool at the same time? That is too much work!

But now I was disciplined and by God, I would learn to play guitar in the next few hours even if it meant having blisters on my fingers! I had a Guitar 101 book to show me the way. How hard could it be? If all else failed, I would ask Big Brother to aid me. It would probably be like having a guitar lesson from Hitler, but that was my last resort.

I went in search of my dusty guitar pamphlet and borrowed Big Brother’s acoustic guitar. I figured since the hammock location seemed to inspire me, it would be best to learn there. So I sat down, with guitar in hand and pamphlet carefully propped up. It was challenging straight away when I realized my miniature hands could barely grip the neck of the guitar properly. It was even more difficult when I had to position my fingers in ways that were not only uncomfortable but painful. Why would anyone do this to their hands? Maybe I was under the notion I had normal hands but they were actually below average size and everyone else had perfectly long fingers that could find their way through the frets.

            So what?! John Lennon never gave up and I sure as hell wasn’t going to either. Maybe I would learn to play magnificently and would gain great fame and respect for learning guitar while having such short hands. Maybe I’d be like Beethoven who never gave up even though he couldn’t even hear what he composed (seriously, I don’t think anyone would’ve condemned him for quitting after losing his hearing, but he doesn’t strike me as the guy who gave a damn what people thought and I was going to follow that example.)

 I was driven by images of me playing like Jimi (there’s no need for a last name, you better know who he is!) and singing Purple Haze with a sultry voice while waving my wild locks back and forward. God, I felt cool! If it hadn’t been for day dreaming about Jimi, I probably wouldn’t have gotten through those first three chords. I repeated them constantly. I didn’t want to move on to the next until I mastered them; until I could create an award winning song with just those three chords. I struggled but that only made me keep going, making sure my struggle would mean something one day. I strummed each one slowly, repositioning my fingers when it sounded like a cat was being strangled.

            After an hour, I was so proud of my mediocre achievements that I had to show Big Brother how capable I was and subtly let him know he better watch his ass, because soon I was going to be so skilled I’d have to challenge him to a guitar battle, however that works or if it even exists. I was Eric Clapton, Zakk Wylde, Carlos freaking Santana rolled into one or at least a very spitting image of their raw potential when they were starting out.

            As I made my way inside the house and spotted Big Brother sitting on the sofa, Brain immediately realized something was wrong.

            Brain: Why is it so bright in here?

            Me: You’re right.

            Brain: It feels breezy in here even though the windows are closed.

            Me: We should totally be the next Sherlock.

            Brain: We? Pfft. But seriously what the hell is going on?

            I must’ve looked like a complete idiot, standing there in the living room gazing at my surroundings like I had never seen them before. Big Brother would’ve been worried if he hadn’t ever seen my odd behavior before towards everything. But even so, he demonstrated his own version of concern.

            “What the hell is wrong with you?” I know. He’s a sweetheart.

            “Why are the lights on?”

            “Oh, the power came back,” he said while flipping through TV channels.

            “The power came back?”

            “Yup.”

            “We have power?”

            “Yeeees,” he replied exasperatedly.

            My grip on the guitar slowly loosened. “How long has it been on?”

            He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know… about an hour.”

            Whaaaat?! So for the past hour of torture and false hopes of ever becoming the next guitar legend, my house was running perfectly in order with high quality electricity?! I wanted to feel angry and betrayed and blamed Big Brother for letting me sit out there for an hour without warning me that I could stop being all high and mighty about my little dreams and get on with it.
            But instead, all I could say was: “Wanna play Rockband?”
            “Yes!!!”
            And that’s how I opted for practicing my recent knowledge of guitar and applying it to a much simpler method of playing while still looking cool, I could only hope.

Mom Discovers Blog


It wasn’t really a challenge in any way. Don’t imagine her searching through files or using some fancy device to crack my not so sophisticated password. I pretty much handed her my laptop with the blog open.

            Don’t think me weak. She is a conversational wizard and I’m almost entirely sure she is a Jedi. If the army ever needed an interrogator who could make the enemy blurt out the information needed just by the art psychological manipulation, they should pay a visit to my house. Anyways, besides the fact that she is intimidating, it was mainly a strange feeling of guilt that made me tell her I had written a blog about her. Her eyes opened dramatically.

            I had no choice you see. I had to free myself from the heavy feeling that I had somehow betrayed her confidence by comparing her to Stalin and Bin Laden. The confession did little to subside that feeling. In fact, it made it mutate into a deformed version of dread.

            “Let me read it.”

            “Umm…” I desperately sought for clever excuses that would distract her eagerness. It didn’t work. “I don’t think you wanna do that.”

            “Bring it now.”

            “No.”

            Now.”

            This went on for a bit but not to the point where it was irrelevant. With every now, she wore me down, like a spell she had casted on me that gradually became more forceful. Told you she was a Jedi.

            As I came back down the stairs while cradling my laptop, I kept saying: Please have a sense of humor, please have a sense of humor.... As I could, as well, create a wondrous spell that could turn people into easygoing, hippie-ish potheads. I hear potheads find comedy in everything.

            “Don’t be mad,” I commanded pathetically as she began to read.

            I sat behind her trying to follow the sentence she was reading at the moment, desperately praying she wouldn’t be offended, or even worse, that she’d be disappointed that I’d be using my skill to publicly trash her. A few minutes later, her shoulders moved up and down continuously as she let out a laughing snort.

            “You…bitch!” she said while laughing hysterically. I assumed she got to the Bin Laden part.

            The rest of the reading went on similarly, with snorts and insults and strange questions that were always replied by more questions.

Mom: What the hell?

            Me: Where you up to?

            Mom:  Who the hell is Stan Lee?!

            Me: Are you seriously asking me that?

            Mom: Why are you only talking about me?!

            Me: What do you mean?

            Mom: Why aren’t you talking about your brothers?

            Me: Oh.

            Mom: Why don’t I have any writing talent?

            Me: Huh?

            Mom: Shouldn’t the world know the truth about you as well?

            Mom, let’s not get carried away. But she is right. Somehow I was going to complain about the entire dysfunctional dynamic my family has become accostumed to and I ended up singling Mom out. So unfair. Yet if I had gone on about the complex, impossible to explain, always surprising behavior my brothers engage in, it would have been about thirty pages.

            That afternoon, Mom sent me a text. I was perplexed because as far as I knew, Mom was downstairs watching TV while I was in my room innocently browsing the web. Even so, I read the text message.

            Mom: Go rent a movie.

            Her powers also work via cell phone.

            I found it strange she wouldn’t go up to my room to ask me. Was she mad?

            Me: Are you giving me the silent treatment?

            Mom: E

            E? What the hell is E? Maybe she meant to write YES but her fingers slipped or her brain froze temporarily.

            Me: What?

            Mom: I’m slowly getting annoyed before I roar and attack you.

            Passive aggressive treatment, eh? I had to get her back.

            Me: Noooooo Bin Laden!

            Mom: Bitch…

            In short, Mom isn’t mad although she brings it up in front of people probably to make me look like a horrible daughter. She also said that she knows how to access my blog now so I better not write anything else about her and if I do, I must let you all know the truth about my brothers as well.

            That will be a treat to write.

            PS: I was invited to a family party next weekend, so my genius plan to decrease the frequency I have to look like I’m antisocial failed.
           
           
           

Freedom Tastes like Chocolate

For the past few weeks I’ve felt like an undercover social worker observing the seldom normal dynamics of an odd family. My family.

            Now, before I go on to reveal the most embarrassing secrets of my relatives, which its revelations will surely exclude me permanently from every future family event (hold on… this might be genius then), I need to start off by saying that I have one of the coolest mothers in the entire universe. I’m sure that’s what everyone says about their mothers (no, wait… that’s what parents say about their own kids), but mine really is. She’s done marathons, triathlons, cycles about forty miles every day and still manages to do every other mother related task the day hands her. In short, she is a freaking super hero.

            However, like every super hero Stan Lee has invented has a weakness, Mom has her own custom made kryptonite as well. But instead of making her weak, it makes her angry and instead of being kryptonite, it’s an undefined collection of things you’ll never see coming until it’s too late.

            As a result, Mom gets mad but not in the Hulk explosive kind of way that at least your brain registers and sends your body an alarming feeling to run away or search for cover. It’s more in the soft spoken eloquent kind of way Bin Laden expressed for years before suddenly deciding to attack a nation. Fortunately, I haven’t been attacked just yet. However, the distilled desperation of knowing it can be avoided but not knowing how has impaired my judgment and made it impossible to come up with a way to disable the bomb.

            There’s no way to figure out what triggers her into turning into the next most terrorizing person in contemporary history. But like the great fictional undercover social worker that I am, I studied the situation carefully, making sure no details would escape my trained eyes. I pondered for hours, compared my daily notes and came to the accurate conclusion that the rage that seems to be coursing through my family can be summarized by what we know as cabin fever.

            After years of the house being quite at peace and only being noisy for a maximum of three days (the weekends when we’d all come home), it’s finally crowded again since me and my older brother moved back home after finishing college. And the cabin fever symptoms commenced.

            Nobody seems to be able to tolerate each other. Apart from the place being crowded and having nothing to do, we seem to get a kick out of messing with each other until it must sound to the neighbors like someone is about to commit homicide inside our house. My coping mechanism with this dynamic, apart from trying to be the peacemaker nobody likes, is to retreat to my room and sleep long deserved hours.          

            Mom, who I guess gets it from years of exercise and being the complete definition of a multitasked person, is a person that doesn’t like to stay still for too long and therefore is not very fond with my fantastic coping method. She approached the whole situation as if I was hiding drugs under my bed.

            “What is this?!”would be my mother’s reaction to me sleeping until eleven in the morning which to her, equals the effect of doing drugs.

            “I’m… sleeping?” I’d answer in confusion.

            “Let me tell something to you… (Whenever I hear these words, I immediately feel like I’m five years old again) I will not tolerate this behavior while you wait for a whole semester to pass by and then you start Graduate School.”

            Suddenly I felt like I had trashed the entire house by throwing multiple frat parties and hadn’t bothered to apologize. “What behavior?”

            “You guys lying around the house and leaving an eternal ass print on the couch from watching too much television!” She really did say that. It was quite epic.

            At this point, I try to reason her anger into a calmer state, which I still don’t understand why I haven’t learned it can’t be done. “But Mom… it’s only been two weeks.” I suddenly felt like I was trying to explain to her that two weeks of heavy sleeping wasn’t enough to injure me in the long run, like a smoker or a recreational junkie would say.

            “I…don’t…care!!! This is exactly how it starts! First you sleep in a few days a week, then you’re gonna quit your job. Then you’re gonna tell me you are not going to grad school and then you will do nothing but stay here sleeping all the time! So make sure you make yourself busy. Get more hours at work; find another job, a project, anything! But you are not lying around here for the next six months!”

            So according to Mom, sleeping was the gateway drug to cutting my life short. Not drinking excessively or mixing with the wrong crowds. Sleeping. I didn’t understand why the intervention treatment was required but suddenly I felt like I had been doing something very horrible that was affecting the entire family. I would’ve used a counter argument and play her The Beatles song I’m only sleeping repeatedly until she’d realize I wasn’t doing anything wrong. But it seemed argument time was over and the decision had already been made for me. 

I think any logical person would’ve understood why I felt I’d deserve the right to lie down like a walrus and stare at the ceiling for hours if that’s what I wanted. Or if all I wanted to do was bask in the glory of a heavenly slumber that went on a little longer than the appropriate time and then go mad at the neighbor for mowing his lawn at ten in the morning, I damn well had earned the right! After all, it had only been a few weeks since I’d finish with honors my four year Bachelor’s degree and had tasted true freedom, without any preservatives or low fat ingredient… And I was indulging fully.

Mom hated it.

            If she were Stalin, she would’ve killed me by now for being an unsupportive comrade and would have made sure I hadn’t been found until ten years later (I apologize for all the violent references. No idea where they’re coming from).

            Ordinarily, I would crumble under pressure and my legs would quiver involuntarily at her mighty roar. My need to please everyone would kick in with a high dosage and get in the way of my doing-nothing-until-I feel-like-it plans. But for now, freedom tastes pretty damn sweet. Like chocolate.



            On that note, I love you Mom. In case you ever read it.
           

Schizophrenic Scales



            It’s been a crazy few days with an emotional pendulum that swings from excitement, happiness to self-doubt, pity and complete depression. I think this is one of the early signs of bipolar disorder. Let’s hope I’m wrong on this one and it’s only the what-the-hell-do-I-do-after-graduation phase.

            A few days ago, I was having a healthy lunch at work, roasted chicken breast and brown steamed rice, hoping desperately my attempt to diet was having an effect. And I think it is- my pants are a little lose and my cheeks look leaner but it’s impossible to confirm the alleged progress because I am beyond terrified of confronting the scales. Besides the normal anxiety every normal person feels when waiting for it to blink the harsh reality of their weight, I’m mainly scared because of the fact that my scales seem to detest me.

            Maybe we’ve just had her for too long- yes her, because it’s a total bitch- and she just got sick and tired of fat people standing on her every day expecting for her to create a miracle that her primary functions prohibit her from doing. After all, she did take the Do Not Lie about Weight Numbers oath when she was made. What can she do? Then, when people don’t see the results they want, they throw a tantrum and blame her for their love handles. To hell with it! she says. And then, I suffer for it. I think she senses my vulnerable state between hopefulness and finally giving up and diving head first into a basket of muffins and decides to fuck with me.

            I go visit her in the mornings, before anything’s in my stomach. Less pounds. After the bathroom. Practically slim by now. I eat salad the night before and try to attain some feeling of fullness with a big glass of water. I ignore the grumble of my stomach.

            Anyways… both feet on the scales. Numbers blinking. I say a little prayer and then I look down.

            142.5



            Dear Jesus! That’s way higher than it should be.

            Try again.

            138

            Hmm…. Better. (It was supposed to be somewhere around 136)

            Again.

            145

            WHAAAAAAT?!

             By this time, she is euphoric by watching me have a mini meltdown that will drive me to eat pasta with a whole loaf of garlic bread and then eventually have another meltdown and so on. Now, for her fabulous finale, she decides to do what no other weight scale has done before. She makes the world record jump of ten pounds. Twice.

            133

            A part of me wanted to celebrate and start dancing as if I were an extra in West Side Story. A member of the Shark’s gang, of course. Nobody danced like them. But if I know the scales, and I think I do, I knew this was her way of enhancing my possible bipolar disorder.

            So I gave it another try.

            143

            I need to emphasize this. From one hundred and thirty-three pounds… to one hundred and forty-three pounds!! 
         
I give up. It seems she threw her honorable oath out the bathroom window and will stop at nothing to win the argument that exigently points out she will do whatever the f_ck she wants, including to belittle my wish to go back to 130 pounds and fit into my favorite pair of jeans. She won that argument.

If I looked like that, I wouldnt be writing about scales.


            I think it’s safe -for my emotional balance (if we recall, it’s not so balanced at the moment) and to keep my stubbornness in achieving this resolution, not to mention so the scales doesn’t end up being violently shattered into pieces- that the scale and I take some time apart from each other. Clearly, she has issues.